Basic Rules for Dogs

• Newspapers: if you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
• Visitors: quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
• Barking: because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
• Licking: always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
• Holes: rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem
• Doors: the area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
• The art of sniffing: humans like to be sniffed - everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
• Dining etiquette: always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
• Housebreaking: housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
• Going for walks: rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
• Couches: it is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
• Playing: if you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
• Chasing cats: when chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
• Chewing: make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

Rules for dog owners (suggested by their dogs)

• I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
• I will not push my dog away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
• I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
• I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
• I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
• I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
• I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to.
• I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
• I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
• I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
• I will get rid of that cat.
• I will not bring home any more cats.
• I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
• I will share everything I eat with my dog.
• I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
• I will not leave my dog at home any time I go in the car.
• I will allow my dog on the couch.
• I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
• I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
• I will not hide my dog's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
• I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my dog.
• I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
• I will stop referring to my dog's necklace as her "collar."
• I will not cut my dog's nails.
• I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work".
• I will not wake my dog when I come home from work.
• I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping "illegally".
• Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my dog.
• I will open the back door as soon as my dog sits by it.
• I will not laugh at my dog for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
• I will not run out of treats.
• I will always carry cookies and treats.
• I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
• I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
• I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.
• I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my dog.
• I will try much harder to understand my dog's language.